Another Padded Closet

been over a year since my last entry, wow. well since july 27th, I've moved out of my parents house; am now living with Kris (mentioned in last entry) and have slowly worked towards a "positive" outlook. how does one define positive when all they usually view is negative quirks? I managed to get a job at wal-mart on sept. 27th and am still fighting my lifestyle to ensure i keep my job, in hopes all will work out. Now those who have read my journals have seen my darker side; im going to try not using that mood here; only on fictionpress in my writing XD. So, living on my own wasnt as easy as i thought it would be; who said life was easy?
for all i know all the negative problems with my life are self-inflicted so to speak; i think viewing the world as negativly as i was caused me to be more depressed. almost, i almost have let go of the weight of my past; which is nothing more than that. and im finally going to a concert.... Family Values Tour 2006 in Phoenix on the 18th of the month; looking forward to that. been a while since ive written what could classify as a normal; not so depressive entry; this is a good thing i think.

Just a random entry since I'm not really sure what all to write, since my last entry I have a roommate named Kris; a guy I was in high school with. The reason he moved in was because he was on the vurge of getting kicked out by his step-dad anyway so he came on a Friday and we moved the rest of his shit in the next morning. In love with a wonderful girl who's smile brightens my life; yeah yeah same shit everyone always claims but when she doesn't talk to me I start getting major insomnia because I miss her so badly. Started working for an online business called International Galleries Incorperated or IGI for short and have earned $45 bucks so far without an ounce of getting off my ass and doing shit really at all; but the more you actually do to refer people under you helps too. Still have my major coffee addiction, but don't see that ending any time....ever; weed I still smoke once and again as opposed to every day. For you stoners out there, quitting once in a while does lower your tolerance though you think you'll die without it.
I found my online stories finally after a long depressive rut and not writing for a long ass time as well, weblink for those interested is here http://www.fictionpress.com/~erenduramandil ; and I warn people a good portion of what I wrote was in a bulk of my depressive or anger based phases during my high school days. Back in a Diablo 2: Lord of Destruction via Battle.net (B.net) addiction going on all over again. ....... I have no fucking idea what to write about now

I reapllied at Geico Insurance on May 9th, I'm still badly hoping that I will be hired there because I would love to experience different areas of the work fields; that at 12.36 an hour just rules severely. Then again I know I need to have patience because if I act to persistant they probably won't hire me, but then again I have been told many times that persistance is the best way to prove you want the job. The different benefits are cool and all; but I want to afford to go and visit a girl next February, you may think I'm crazy because of that and you're entitled to your opinions. Anyway, if all works well I'll be working Monday through Friday probably night shifts 4-midnight; and the two weeks of training is paid as well which will help. My financial situation is shit right now, I can't lie about that, I have very expensive habits; namely anime, games and computer parts *sighs*. People claim it's not possible to love someone you've never met, well fuck those of you who think that, outer beauty has nothing to do with true feelings like half the world believes; the person themself, their heart and soul are whats important.
You can call me gay, corny, and whatever else; I don't care what others think about me. As far as I'm concerned I love this girl and want to be with her; I've known her online since I was in high school. Feelings develop over time. Not over night.

A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras
threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me.
but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.

another period of sobriety, another lack of sleep and flashbacks to memories i forgot even existed. side effects of having to find a job due to i need one and because my jack ass parents are pretty much forcing me is that you need to pass a drug test; if they do a hair sample well im screwed. its bad though, every time i sober up i wind up getting a case of insomnia and cold chills; but thats due to the lack of sleep. gotta call people so i can get updated references (that whole shit in applications of personal references and stuff), but im not really in the mood to write that much so im back to the insane world of web chatting and annihilationx.com

well i just found out that when my dad walks to get his bacholars in technical engineering or some shit my nana and jack ass step-grandfather not even worth that title hense hes just manny. not fucking looking forward to a week with -him- in this house -_- id say kill me now, but im looking forward to a job for $10/hr next month which will kick some major ass. though yes im a stocking bitch i guess would be the best way to describe what ive been doing, but its the money that counts so theres a plus side to things O_o. aint life grand, one day your sitting outside enjoying whatever the hell youre outside for; then bang; a total feeling of chaos *shrugs* like itll happen but we can imagine reguardless. anyway, not in a real big writing mood i guess would be a good choice of words so for now BAMF

I think i'm finally hitting that mental breakdown i've been expecting since high school. I don't care if i went to bed and never woke up again, but at the same time i would care very painfully because of one person who shall remain nameless for the time being. Who am i to refuse judgement from those i love and those who claim to love me, every day for me is a damned struggle now because i'm trying to start a home business yet am uneligable for a credit card and if i get this bank loan its the question if i can have it all put on a credit card as a mass spending limit to stupidity. Nothing ive done is as great as the pains i know i have caused people, but nothing i could do would be any worse than if i took my own life as a selfless act of redemption. Don't get me wrong, im not a religious person, nor do i fear death because it happens daily; but i know my "mission" in life isnt yet completed.
I've made promises in the past, i've even broken many of those promises and shattered many peoples dreams, i honestly dont know im phased by it or if this is just all the guilt built up inside finally trying to be expressed in words. Everyday, we struggle to find a reason to continue fighting on to see tomorrows light, in the long run im not fighting to live; im just trying to understand what ive become and where in my past i went wrong. Whatever paths ive taken in life i dont regret, i just wish i could remember them better; but mass head traumas doesnt really help that situation for me at all. You try to judge me or label me, i truly dont give a living shit what you think about me because ive heard it all from petophile to clinically insane, so throw your worst at me i really dont care anymore; i just want to understand who i am and what im fighting for.

"Nothing ive done is good enough to fix the mistakes of my past and for that i shall see you all in hell"

Every day we choose a path in life, we are unsure if we have chosen the right one unless something good or bad happens. All events lead inevitably to demise, but we make the best of what life has to offer in our time in this world. I don't know if anyone even reads what I write nor do I mind; this is my last path of release from the emotions built up inside that no one wants to hear about hense I persist to conceil my pains and troubles from the world. I'm on the vurge of a breakdown because I'm soon damned to no place to live unless I can figure out how to earn money fast, no one cares what I have to say, nor do I ask you to feel sympathy towards me, it's my mess that I have to fix otherwise I'll become dependant on others which you can't truly do in this life. Maybe, I'm just lost on my own paths since I try less and less to do anything with myself anymore, I don't go out, no; in fact I live on my computer and occasionally take breaks to smoke my concentrated death in a box (cigarettes). Honestly, one thing i'd love to change about myself is the fact i'm a smoker, it's a very crappy habit that i've tried multiple times to just quit; i've begun to think it's not possible to walk away from the drug I call tobacco, my ultimate conclusion is "if smoking doesn't kill me, then my anger will get me killed"
Lately, i've been trying to get involved with a company known as Herbalife to become a home based distributor though i'd prefer to become a supervisor, but in this world you need to spend money to make money so i'm at a loss. I've been on the products for two days, yes I feel an energy boost with the Herbalifeline subliment, but I feel a major burnout near the end of the day know which is totally unusual for me. Enough about my problems, none of you wanna sit here and read the ramblings of someone who truly makes no sense in anything he writes anymore; I used to be a decent writer and a practicing artist. Now i'm just a shut in 20 year old with no job, no college degrees, and a daily migrane from sitting in front of a computer all day; i'm trying to organize my life, but it's not working as I planned at all. If anyone reads this you can reply if you want, but you probably won't.

"777, isn't that the number to Heaven or something??" does -this- look like Heaven to you??

First entry in a while, I've been running through the chaotic labyrinth of my mind trying to sort my life out because within the next couple months I'll be moving out on my own finally even though yes I'm 20 as of the 11th of the month. I still live with my parents so that I don't have all the bills to deal with and the responsability of taking care of my own life, but that's gotta change. I have a job interview tomorrow at Best Buy; been trying to get a job there since i was old enough to work in Tucson, AZ. When I graduated I was working at the Park Mall Theater and tainted my mentality with trash nightly for over a year then walked out because I was fed up of having to violate damn near EVERY known OSCHA law of the work field, don't ask for details because I can't answer due to the fact I'd never be able to find a job in this town ever.
Anyway, I figured I'd come back see how everyone was doing even though no one ever really replies to my journals anyway.

Happy late New Years everyone.

We all love games, if we dont; does that mean we have a life? ive been playing gta san andreas almost non-stop since last wednesday; very addictive game though it can be extremely irritating at times but if a game cant piss you off it shouldnt exist. then again i should take into consideration i started playing starcraft again about a month ago and so far have gotten to the ninth protoss level without a single code, thats a lot harder than it sounds to pull off but ive managed. ill eventually start playing silent hill 4: the room because that game looks so awesome for newage horror genre games, who knows it may actually scare me since i only get spooked when im snuck up on nowadays and wouldnt mind having nightmares again possibly *shrugs*.
one of these days i need to set a goal to play final fantasy 1 through x-2 all the way through even though ill have to skip 3 since id have to find an nintendo entertainment system (nes) and then final fantasy 1-3 on that system for the hell of getting the oldschool versions of the games. then again in the long run you gotta love the role play genre all around because it includes strategy normally. im looking foreward to metal gear solid 3: snake eater originally called enter the snake and prince of persia 2 next month, i need new challenges in my gaming life.

anyway, feel free to read and respond if you wish and have a good halloween

This is my first entry in i dont even remember how long now, somehow my account is still active so thats always a plus. Lately ive been more concerned about trying to get my A+ Certification then dealing with the world around me, yes ive been talking to friends but thats really about it. Im finally clean of drugs and have been since august first, ive smoked twice since then and drank a few times since then; mainly i feel much better about myself though since i quit coming to the conclusion that pot is just an escape from emotions i was running away from. I havent really been keeping up with my writing period so for that i feel a bit low, but i feel that since im finally able to balance out my moods and talk my problems through with friends i really dont have much depression or sorrow anymore.
Games, everyone enjoys them; well almost everybody. Figure if i can design games i can do something i would find enjoyable in life; dont think that just because i wrote this and/or you are a good friend of mine that you will just get a freebie, ill think about it :-p. I mean i finally have my priorities straightened out and have decided what i want to do with my life, but i need to deal with it one step at a time hense im still working on my A+ Cert. From that ill go for my Net Plus and Dreamweaver Certs; Dreamweaver is a web design course for those who dont know. Then the last step after that is going for a computer programming degree, so C++ etc.
Movies, i was still working for a theater on mym last entry, quit my job back in June and at the moment am not looking since Geico shot me down within nine days of me applying; they're loss though at the same time i would have really enjoyed making $12.36 per hour. If you want to know why i quit working at the theater ill just explain it now since otherwise i may get random questions about it. When you have to work from 6pm-1am monday through friday making $5.70 per hour and have to clean a cockroach infested room nightly along with having to walk in on random people having sex in the theaters after so long you just start hating the job and the management because you feel that no matter how hard you try you will never get anywhere in the business especially after over a year of working there and i still hadnt become a manager.
TV series's, all of us must at least watch some form of television, for those of you who dont i mean no offense; you're not really missing much except the same old crap repeated daily it seems. I only watch Law & Order, Law & Order SVU (Special Victims Unit), CSI vegas not miami, havent seen new york yet, and Teen Titans mainly since im waiting for the second season of Detective Conan: Case Closed to start up, i enjoy these shows very much though half the time its always episodes ive seen or have on my computer from the vcr. Half the time though i just buy the series i enjoy via ebay for the complete series at a decent price because otherwise you can go broke very fast.
Hard to pick anymore things to talk about since i really dont wish to go into musical tastes, everyone has their own opinions about tv, music, movies etc. im not trying to force anyone to enjoy what i like; those just happen to be the things i enjoy. Anyway, hopefully someone enjoys what i wrote since my last entry was back on jan 17th this year; please read and review if you like, im not gonna force you to though.

Echoed_Insanity has returned